A Storm that Brews, Even in the Midst of Summer

The littering of lands need a crew ready to the work to clean it up.

A story of privilege and signs not to be ignored...

I’ve been driving the back roads on our intensive wildflower search of 2020. Along these beautiful back roads are beer cans. So many beer cans. What a clever idea for the roving alcoholic - just throw your can out the window and no one will know what you’re up to.

As if drunk driving is proven by the empty beer cans in the car.

Meanwhile... I’m driving around picking up these beer cans because - littering - they also collect them at the animal shelter here - bless their hearts.

I’ve been pulled over with them in the back of my car and that’s all I’ve said - “yeah, those are all the beer cans I’m picking up on the side of the road”.

The officer thanks me! Doesn’t write me a ticket and tells me to be safe out there. I’ve got my mom in the car so we’re the epitome of white women living our best lives, we wouldn’t be drinking and driving, just throwing our cans in the back seat because we’ve discovered yet another privileged way to get away with whatever stupid, bad, dangerous behavior we feel is our right to engage in.

Or would we???

Signs not to be ignored: these cans strung-up from a tree are called Hurricanes - they were spinning on a fishing line, hanging from a tree to mark a “secret” campsite. For some group that didn’t think they should have to pay the campsite fee.

Given this year so far, it’s not hard for me to know storms are here and they’re gonna keep coming. If we thought the 1st 6 months of 2020 were hard - get ready, cause the 2nd half is gonna be like hurricanes hanging from trees, ripe for the picking, tearing through lives, leaving no one unmoved.

You can either be the person trying to get away with something that no one has a right to get away with, or creating anew with what remains to make the world a better place.

Or go to hell?

Will you listen, look, feel for the signs of change and act? Or stubbornly dig in, waiting for the hurricane to change everything for you?

Either way the only constant is change, and the only way forward is through.

Cheers! But with water, because in the process of opening my eyes to my own signs of change, I’m heading into another day sober. Something I said would never happen. Another sign not to let stubborn be a barrier to a better time.

Double Cheers!

Choosing the Right Mask for the Moment: Soothing COVID-19 Induced Stress Response

A couple selfies with masks and mouths capturing whatever reason it takes to get the tasks at hand taken care of.

I just want to start by apologizing to anyone I may have talked some mad sh!t to on a certain social media site during the past couple months of COVID-19. While I’m here, I’ll just go ahead and apologize for the next couple too.

Using you for my emotional release would be wrong if it hadn’t produced a positive outcome in the end, right? 

It really turned out to help make a few of the many changes that came with the spread of a pandemic go faster along the way... so... thank you.

How did I go from one to the other so flawless, easy, and ready for anything?

I didn’t. Not at all. No. I did not. Hence the humble apology.

The important point I’m not gonna make you continue reading for, in case you’re in a hurry to get somewhere and need the booster now: spend some time with the forces you fight against. What is the signal that lets you know to object? If you turned the objection inward to yourself instead of outward, how would it change the dynamic of a challenge you face? By stepping into a safe space to examine our fight, freeze, and fear responses that we express outward and so openly on the internet, to ourselves (I imagine sitting across from a very cross, scared, or anxious version of myself, I actually took a selfie of the last time I was outraged and look to it for an example of a behavior I don’t want to get too comfortable (anymore) in my personality), over time, can open up the ability to gain deeper compassion and control in any given situation.

I remember taking this picture, thinking it might help prevent my face from sticking in a permanent grimace of displeasure.

A reminder that I can still get caught off guard in my emotions. The more space I give myself to express joy and pleasure helps alleviate Ms. Grimace over here.

Whether it’s OK, or not OK with anyone else, I can only process life as it comes, adjusting, realigning in present time.

Learning to shift my negative responses to changes that are out of my control isn’t always easy, I’m not always successful at it, and I know I’m a work in progress. It’s not impossible as I once thought, not as hard as it used to be either.

The thing I’ve added is to give myself a little more space that is safe to react in, to the unknown. COVID-19 was a big unknown and so it has flared up some old wounds.

Now in my, uhum, forties I guess I’ve learned it’s not that the traumas of my past go away, nor do the (sometimes creatively misguided) ways I learned to live through them. It’s that I can still both be painfully reminded of what was out of control then, and hopeful through ways I’ve learned to get control back that actually work.

In COVID-19, at the beginning of sheltering in place, I created a situation in an attempt to avoid the inevitable. 

It still shocks me the things I can do trying to manipulate an imaginary outcome.

At this point, it’s to the extent that the universe sometimes helps me achieve the goal I’m struggling with.

Whatever it takes right? 

Maybe it’s that I so want folks that are vehemently opposing mask wearing, sheltering in place, or any number of new developments bound to arise from COVID-19, to know that this is difficult for so many people and the actions being taken sometimes are part of our stress response stuck in freeze mode or especially for me fight mode, when maybe a little flee mode would be beneficial. Although not really possible other than through clearing space in our mind to process the onslaught of information, emotion, rapid fire change work for sure(more on this later).

Or, maybe it’s just that being told what to do goes easier for some than others. This is neither a compliment or dis to whether you have complied to the fullest extent to whatever recommendations, rules, requirements that come your way, or try to fight the powers that be at every turn.

When sheltering in place started my mom and I really thought we wouldn’t be affected much by it. Believe me, I have been drop to my knees thankful. In addition to being very fortunate, the specific thing we had been planning to do this spring and summer didn't involve being around any people. We were just heading out to where the wildflowers bloom.

All we needed was a car, some fresh baked bread for sandwiches, and it’s always nice to have park access.

First I lost the car keys, then I forgot in the pre-hoarding grocery shopping to get yeast, and then they closed the parks. Nothing like a pandemic to test the efforts involved in releasing outdated negative behaviors and just jump right into the wicked bliss of our stress response.

The only side effect losing my key brought up a nasty little negative feed-loop from the past I needed to confront and work through.

I lost my keys all the time when I was a kid. To the extent that I giggle at realizing I was a miserable latch-key kid. Really horrible at it. Those are some traumatic memories from my parents getting divorced, being an only child, wanting to be responsible, while being woefully unprepared.

It was stressful. And embarrassing. Losing my keys came crashing back memories of a change in my life I so didn’t want at the time that I had a hard time managing much of anything. 

I see now how much I beat myself up about it. Who isn’t gonna be angry under such an attack? 

That had to have been forty years ago by now.

Excuses to call myself “stupid” still manage to sneak in because that seems a stupid thought now. Right? Creating a scenario in which to lean into the behavior, I truly want to rewire.

So I lost the car key instead. Nowhere to go if you don’t have any way to get there.

I solved the problem.

The keys just disappeared into thin air. At the house. If ever there was a more clear message to stay home, this qualifies.

I was mad about it though. Not, in a throwing things around or punching walls way. More in a snapping curtly back in response to social media posts - demanding we all lock ourselves inside, NOW! NOW! This was the first week in March 2020 of COVID-19 coming to America. We’re a funny bunch, Americans. 

Having an anchor to behave better for and towards ourselves and others helps in re-wiring outdated behaviors. An important lesson in this rehabilitation of sorts is kicking resentments ass. Ohhh, this is a biggie: Anger and fight can morph quite easily from the actual trigger to unresolved, outdated relationship dynamics.

“Ohhh, this is a biggie: Anger and fight can morph quite easily from the actual trigger to unresolved, outdated relationship dynamics.”

— Samantha Shearer

Knowing how to spot the behavior and emotions attached, especially if you want to update them for the better helped our situation smooth out to better cohabitate. 

Just yesterday, my mom wanted to make dinner and whatever she made spilled into the oven. Something I can now see as unacceptable in her mind so when I looked up from my computer to a haze in the air and came into the room to investigate, she was pretty edgy and defensive until I said, “I’m fine with a dirty oven, I just want to air the house out a little bit” and relaxing, she went back to her cooking.

We are rocking this pandemic! Sure, I got a little touchy being told to stay home but it’s not forever.

That’s of course when the recommendation, turned wild debate, turned requirement in some situations, to wear a face mask in public arose.

Good thing I have masks! Not exactly for this reason but in case we’re out driving the back roads of Oregon looking for wildflowers and find wildfires instead.

Totally prepared to wear a facemask for a forest fire.

Totally forgot they were locked in the car… until recommendations to wear them in public started popping up.

Stress response ignite! FURIOUS ANGER GO!!! 

By this point my car had been dragged off to the dealership to be re-keyed and the estimate can be best described with a brief toying with the idea of just buying a new car and leaving the keyless car for the dealership to deal with.

About this same time I started experiencing some oral pain. Of course, perfect timing. Everything seems to have gone into extreme shutdown and my response both outward and inward reflected it all too perfectly.

I had become the thing I feared most, a vulnerable population. This, after my first love, walking in nature, had been denied, and my second (and very guilty one for a conservationist) driving was now on hold, my mouth deciding to put me in a more vulnerable health state, beyond the health compromise of being American. Overall, turns out, we’re not the healthiest bunch.

That’s when the “put a mask on it” posts started.

The CDC has added mask wearing to their recommendations, but my state hadn’t followed suit immediately. Either that or I was in denial (I was probably in denial). Living well outside any hot zones had calmed a lot of my riled up fears. Fearing for my country, and many people suffering around the world from coronavirus is still (it’s May 2020 as I write this) vastly different than the actual effects in the community I now live.

Just note that as soon as I wrote “put a mask on” I also started with the excuses why I had not. 

Am I selfish? Very. 

Here are my excuses just to get them all out so they don’t pop-up again:

• After following recommendations given from the onset, I was not amused that masks hadn’t been included from the get-go.

• After sheltering in place for 2 months, I felt confident we didn’t have COVID-19 so therefore couldn’t give it to anybody.

• This one takes the cake for misguided: Going to the grocery store was a nightmare from the start with the hoarding that took place, but watching people fail completely at wearing face masks and gloves should have made me want to wear on more not less.

• Face mask wearing as the “it” accessory of coronavirus was too much for me.

And they were locked in my car! To quote a wickedly famous Oregonian, Today Harding, “It’s not my fault!” This is really the main reason I not only didn’t want to wear a face mask but did not respond well when social media posts demand I do so and NOW!

Maybe as a tasty side to my selfishness, I responded harshly to a post telling me if I didn’t wear one, I was choking someone out on a ventilator somewhere.

Usually, I can see these posts as personal expressions of frustration and let them be just that. It’s up there as top reasons to post on social media. An honor of sorts to the now late Jerry Stiller from the show Seinfeld, social media is a salute to the “airing of grievances” from the made-up holiday Festivus.

In the “feats of strength” category from the same holiday, my mouth encountered a kind of explosive response to being part of my angry head that required I call the dentist to check-on the status of a future appointment. 

Her instruction was probably what I should have expected, to schedule an emergency appointment. 

There are times in my life that either require me to question that which is Greater or beleive more wholeheartedly in something entwining possibility with reality because during this conversation with my dentist, my mechanic called that my car would actually have keys by the end of the day.

So not only could I go to the dentist, wait, this may come off sounding a bit strange if I couldn’t make it to a dental appointment where I live. I still go to the dentist in the city I used to live in, a few hours away. It is way less stressful than finding a new dentist.

“I’ll have our face masks!” I exclaimed when I got off the phone. That’s when I knew I hadn’t been arguing on social media in defense of not wearing a face mask. I had been arguing because I had them the whole time, just locked in my car.

“You’re so stupid!”

“Stop it, Sam!”

This negative, degrading self talk over the past, uhum, years has decreased in frequency but looking at it differently through this lens of safe, self exploration shows me that I have the ability to control outcomes negatively through these thoughts so why not start believing that I can have better outcomes with better thoughts?

It’s as if I hear a resounding cheer of applause from my dental work.

Realizing that even in the safest circumstances, our past fears can creep right in and make themselves comfortable to wreak havoc in our lives again.

Finding, learning, and putting to good use solid tools to gain better control over, not the emotion itself, but the deeper processing to come out beyond what presents itself as a trigger now. I know, I know! Trigger is another newish word in our vocabulary that is now everywhere and the reason why is our social media feeds. It’s important to know because it helps us do two important things. Walk away from the internet. Slowly, put the keyboard down and scroll away. Realize the negative feedback loop is real and living the life of its dreams in internet algorhythms. 

So, the trick is:

1. Take some time, creating a safe space to explore the possibilities to “feel into” the parts of your personality you want to experience more of in your life. For me, it’s an ease and readiness for goodness.

2. Sense the opposite and unwanted behavior - for me it’s anger and my quick temper - invite it to face you in real time. When I got so mad at the mask wearing posts and I sat across from that anger - it was at myself for locking them in the car and losing the keys. Turned out to be a very old hurt, now a ghost once trapped could be set free.

3. Forgive. Forgive yourself and apologize. Forgive that past person, in my case a 7 year old, that was doing the best they could to navigate this crazy world and the crazy thoughts and feelings that come along with it.

Try it on. See if it fits. Ohhh… it’s kinda cute really. What do I have to go with my masks? I think I can build a couple cute outfits around this. No problem.

Cheers!

A reminder of the current, I’m going to call them requests, from the Oregon Health Authority - beginning of May 2020. Safety first isn’t one of my mottos for nothin’.

Give Way: A Walkabout in Presence

Here we go May.

The chill is hanging on for another day or two, then the frost and snow will give way.

Give way.

Seems a reasonable sentiment for the moment.

Give way.

Allow in that which seems to ask to be invited.

Try the new thing that seems scarier now, because it is scarier now. An oxymoron of age: that somehow we think we should find more bravery with age, but with age comes time upon time of mistake and mishap that builds a wall of safety from exploring the new and unknown.

Or maybe that it perplexes our weary mind that there is still so much we don’t know and may never know.

On the plus side, giving way, is that the immensity of our world is just that - immensity. An expanse unobtainable to have all knowledge of.

What does this knowledge gain us?

On this walkabout it was the knowledge to give way.

Give way to what is brewing and bubbling to the surface yet again to explore and explore further than the thought that keeps asking to be let into existence.

A step into making that which is imagined, reality.

Give way.

To change.

To uncomfortable.

To awkward.

To finding sure footing again in a new form.

Give Way.

Rock 'n' Roll Inspiration

All a delight.

A bit of light. A bit of fresh air. A bit of rock solid. A bit of movement in nature.

Then a welcome thought I ran into along the trail. 

Like running into a rock solid wall of insight in experience.

Both where I stood and where I looked, strong and solid in place.

With no knowledge or care for what was going on with us Sapiens. Not one moment of acknowledgement or concern from the nature I immersed myself into. 

None. 

Dawning on me with brilliance.

I’m taking a Spring step to embrace this idea a bit more. 

A bit more rock ‘n’ roll to life.

Can we be more like the nature that inspires instead of exasperated while fighting for it here in a machine?

Is there another action my nature is urging me to take instead?

The eagle I’m watching doesn’t know, doesn’t care a bit what’s going on in politics, health, culture, technology.

Imagine a few moments of such bliss. 

A fulcrum to me between what I want for the world and how I am in the world.

Getting caught up in our own nature.

May provide a better gauge to better acting in its favor.

Do me a favor... take a moment or 5 and be as your favorite bit of nature is. 

Is it the ocean strong and constant? 

A quiet stream?

A waterfall?

A song bird?

A soaring eagle?

A Spring flower blooming in the sun?

A solid rock?

Free from the many varied creations of humans.

Breathe into what is now. Give light to what bright new ideas emerge. Breathe out that which no longer serves, in order to breathe easier in your own nature.

Cheers!

Just cry already, you’ll feel better.

Pulling the hood up and settling in for an emotional release.

I recently heard a story, and I swear it’s not the 1st time, of an older man having a heart attack, and afterwards being more emotional than ever before in his life.

I wonder if the stereotype of women being emotional is why I have only heard this story about men.

I don’t think so.

Heartfelt. 

Something to the effect of surpassing, It’s never too late.

To, better now than later.

To, better now than never.

Being exactly where you want to be. Having envisioned something for yourself and achieved that vision in stunning, vivid, realness.

Being able to enjoy the celebration, yet knowing there is a new idea brewing.

An unsettling and inconsistency tugging for upheaval.

Tearing at the heartstrings. That’s not the phrase. Not tearing. Pulling at the heartstrings. Much more appealing in sentimentality. That’s just my flare for dramatics showing.

My heart races and as I stop to catch my breath, I speak softly to myself.

Sit down.

Put your feet to the ground.

Be upright and present.

Breath deeply.

Exhale fully.

Calming my heart, giving it time.

To connect through my heart, my body, up through the crown of my head, up, up, up into the whole universe and beyond my scope.

Then circling around and back up, up, up through my feet and resting in my heart.

My blood pressure and heart rate lowered.

Invoking.

Control. 

Proving the control we have and can take in our own lives, because we can take hold of our hearts desire to continue steadily beating.

Smiling and tearing up at the same time for what is so intricate yet so simple it is easy to forget.

I love you with all my heart has a whole new meaning now.

My heart is lifted.

My love is lifted.

The beat goes on.

Cheers!

This is for the Contemplators, the Preparers, and the Action Takers: A New Take on the Stages of Change

Focusing in on how best to make positive changes that stick.

In this episode I’m going to rearrange an old standard “how to change” model and give it a 2020 upgrade. It’s called the Transtheoretical Behavior Change Model - TTM for short, also referred to as the Stages-of-Change Model meets the Tao of Transformation in Redefining What’s Next Coaching. 

Models for change are supposed to be easier but I swear the general philosophy around this well established model of change is the opposite. As I read through, committing it to memory, 3 themes emerged to me, a little different, or maybe not, from the original intent:

1. Change is hard and unpleasant. No need to make it easier.

2. It means something bad. Whatever you were doing before deciding to make a change must have been bad or why would you change?

3. Imposed change works. “We swear it does!” Just keep trying to impose what you believe to be right for someone else that doesn’t agree with you, or worse, isn’t even thinking about it, and they’ll come around. “Trust us! We’re experts! We know what’s best.”

There is a better, easier, and dare I say fun way to go about change. 

Heading into 2020 surprised by my own resolution. Prompting inspired action to make each our individual worlds a better place. By doing so, we make our whole world a better place.

How to make change a reality worth getting excited to create and step into without having to remember to be different?

As someone that has always been a little different, I’m up for the challenge and want to champion for anyone wanting to up-level their experience by their own design but are stuck in their next step.

Heading into this year I realized I love it when a plan comes together.  If you connect the reference to the 80’s TV show the A-Team, you get points. Not just any old plan though. The big, bold, sweaty palms, not sure this is gonna work, but I envisioned it so here we go kind of plan coming together. I don’t know whether my love of having a hair-brained idea, deciding to go for it, and then making it come together came from the A-Team or my sense of adventure mixed with procrastination but heading into a new decade, I’m excited to see where it leads.

A sort of happy accident happened a few months ago. More like 5 years ago but who’s counting? I decided on a whim of being invited out of healthcare management and into unemployment to make the most of my new found free time by helping my mom do a lot of things that were different for her and difficult at the time: recover from a health scare, battle an increasingly stressful career, remodel her house, and wrap her head around actually retiring. All while being the definition of modern woman that can do anything on her own. I don’t have to wonder where I get it from. I also no longer wonder why it took awhile to work together effectively. We’ve always celebrated well together though. Helped us come up with consistent accomplishments to toast to.

I’ve had many a hair-brained idea over the years but deciding to become a fitness trainer during that time, especially now, 5 years later, seemed a particularly obscure one for me in retrospect. What was I thinking? That I didn’t see myself as a personal trainer, even though I had the idea to become a certified one, shook my confidence. The subdued compromising result was a group fitness trainer certification instead. Something I still have yet to use, in a traditional sense, 5 years later. 

Stubbornness, stronger than any identity crisis I may have along the way, is what kept me completing my continuing education credits(CECs) until this last year. 

When push came to shove, time quickly running out to complete my CECs, I scrolled my options on the web and kept landing on the personal trainer certification sign-up page. I could get my personal trainer certification and fulfill my continuing education all in one fell swoop, so why not just hit the purchase button now?

Maybe the exact 3 month deadline to the test that happened to end up being the very last day of 2019 should have been a clear warning sign not to hit the purchase button.

Not for me! Sign me up!

This experience has become a true testament to a plan coming together because I set my test date for the last possible day to complete my CECs so my New Year’s Eve party ended up being at a testing center.

Good thing I passed! 

So now what?

What does a personal trainer that’s actually a transformational coach, that’s also a certified health coach do with a brand spankin’ new certification under her belt?

Get moving!

Dive into a few of the more inspirational, at least to me, aspects of what I just crammed in my noggin. The parts of reaching our human potential that stand out as ready for a 2020 update.

The TTM change model seems imposed. Like something that happens to us more than we ignite within ourselves. The “experts” have to know by now that imposing change on another person just doesn’t work. It’s a good reason why so many people have really negative feelings around change. It’s because we have taught ourselves change is something we have to do and not something we want to do by our own choosing.

Maybe a different sort of personal trainer and health coach can provide a new take to help both people caught in this seemingly endless struggle between the change maker and the change agent. Information that when transformed may shed new insight, helping anyone looking to make a change easier in their life by redefining what’s next and demanding to take their next step on their own terms. Having a support system with the expertise and openness to ignite the brilliant spark of an idea, helping to energize it into existence.

The fancy new name I’m giving my update is the fulcrum of change. The point when personal change is empowered within us and we can listen, gain clarity, and use this point as a catalyst for whatever we may want to be different in our lives now and take action bringing it into reality.

The NOW PART and the PERSONAL PART are SUPER IMPORTANT if you need some encouragement to continue reading or a sign to stop if you’re not interested in how to make change easier for either you or someone you care about. 

BRIEFLY, THE BASICS OF THE TTM MODEL IS A 5-Step Sequence FOR CHANGE THAT GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS WHEN Ripped Apart BY ME:

• Precontemplation. Might be my favorite stage because it is the stage that is not a stage at all. The stage in which someone isn’t thinking of change in the least. Not interested. Not a thought of change is entering their mind. They are blissfully living their life with no intention of change. People all around them; their family, their friends, their co-workers, experts in NOT doing whatever they are doing have zero effect on them. It’s a beautiful stage once you know about it because you can really get into the headspace of someone you think needs to change, something I think we all can relate to doing or having experienced. The brilliant idea created for someone else - with all the best of intention - it’s imposed though - the “I know what’s best” idea of change that just doesn’t work. But why? Because of what I can now fully appreciate as the pure bliss of doing something, no matter how misguided, or “bad” others may deem it, without a care in the world. It’s an amazing realization. My neighbor furious at me for not pulling my weeds and I’m over here admiring all my dandelions. The inspiration I gain from the precontemplation stage is that the very well intentioned idea WE may have about how someone else SHOULD BE doing something, or living their life, no matter how good our intention is doesn’t work. What does work, is showing. Living by example. Being the change you want to see. The ability to stop worrying about what other people are doing because it frees up all kinds of time to work on more important matters - like your own good stuff. Never has something freed up more headspace or time in my life than implementing this gold nugget of wisdom. And for the precontemplator; you don’t know what you don’t know or what you don’t want to know because it’s probably a scary thought and seems big, hard, painful, or worse, uncomfortable. I’ve got the perfect thing for that! Keep reading!

• Contemplation. This is the fulcrum to me. The self manifested idea for something new. An idea has come to mind. A new idea. Something different. Ideally something positive. I’ll stick to the script on this one. A positive new idea of change has come to mind. Going from blissfully unaware to aware. From not being interested in change to embracing it and wanting to embody something new. This is a momentous occasion in anyone’s life. It can be anything - this was a personal trainer training so the areas of health apply. In transformational coaching lifestyle and any of the the “Big 5” apply(health, love/relationships, money, career, something greater than self). For me, smoking cigarettes applies nicely, I didn’t think about quitting until one day I DID and I could never make that thought go away again and it made smoking less enjoyable and I still smoked on and off for 10 more years! The fulcrum for change is the vast difference, the night and day difference, the only comparison is the exact opposite reflected between what others, the world, our parents, our insurance company wants FOR US and what we DECIDE FOR OURSELVES. Once the new thought comes to mind, it won’t ever be the same. This is change though. It happens as quickly as writing this sentence. Some out there may be tempted to debunk this process through imploring outside influences and they can play a role. But until an idea to change comes freely from oneself, it’s not gonna happen with great success. Certainly not without applying all array of tactics. If it does, it may be short lived. Oh, the judgment and self loathing to follow when the relapse, the failure occurs. This update on change takes any blame, shame, or fear of failure out of the equations. Ever try to tell someone what to do, or not do? To the precontemplator this approach falls on deaf ears and sometimes with an exaggeration of the fulcrum of change on the table. “You don’t want me to drink as much, watch me drink more.” Thankfully the contemplator and those preparing their action listen. I’m talking to you contemplators reading this, looking for support, confidence, a plan of action, energy to continue on your path redefining what’s next and energizing that vision into existence. You got this! Because YOU KNOW you want something different.

• Preparation: The WORST! stage. Technically I prepared 5 years to become a certified personal trainer and currently just so I could use it in this story. Going from living life in blissful ignorance. Maybe the occasional breaking of a carefully constructed belief that supports the behavior. To getting a brilliant new idea that is different from what just a moment before the thought crossed your mind was nothing at all. Yes, yes! To all the helpers out there doing their best to try and guide someone to take action on a change you may have seen they should make, to them wanting to make it their own. Making something out of nothing and it can never be nothing again. Now the thought, the brilliant new idea, is made possible in the blink of an eye. Our imagination is such a wild and wonderful whirlwind of possibility. It inspires a decision. Something new and different. This requires some planning and preparation. Having previously never thought of “it”, to thinking of “it”, to actually doing something about “it”, whatever your personal “it” may be. It’s an exciting and confusing time. Getting stuck in that confusion is easy, too easy. This is where help can come in handy with a dose of insight and motivation, combined with patience and compassion for the time that can slip away in preparation. Waiting to be ready is a sand trap to be well aware of and wary of in preparation. The antidote is to take action anyway. But what action? How to do this new thing that you may have never done before, or worse, you have but it didn’t work out. No worries love! There’s a step for that!

• Action. Now this is the good stuff. But according to the TTM Model or maybe that’s my training body; the American Council of Exercise - ACE for short, addition, it requires a 6 month continuous commitment to prove. That’s bullshit man! I have to do this new and different thing I’ve decided I want to do for 6 months to prove that I’m doing it? I get it. I get it. Especially if you get stuck in preparation for 5 years. It’s probably the benefit of the health coach certification getting it because sustained action on a new idea in the current modus operandi = HARD. It’s like it’s supposed to be hard and it’s just doesn’t have to be as hard as we have been making it. Do you know why it’s so hard? If you said because of your thoughts and beliefs, you get points. Which is why the experts really seem to beat the idea of having these crazy things called goals to accompany action, drilled to the core of change. The brilliant idea gets a SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time based acronym) goal. Look at me over here with my test answers still fresh in my noggin. This is really the point at which to call in the experts, the professionals, someone, anyone that has successfully done what you are just starting out to accomplish. This is not your buddy, your wife, husband, or partner, your co-worker, the person working the check-out line where you’re buying a book on the subject. A real life expert. If it’s something you want to do, there is someone out there that’s done it and in most cases will be thrilled to help you do it faster, smarter, easier. I have learned this the hard way and want to convey the importance of NOT enlisting anyone that you now know to be in the precontemplation stage to give you insight into anything in life you want to act on. If it is in the realm of rock your world change, lifestyle change, personal health, physical fitness, please reach out to someone that’s done it successfully. I am now one of those people so before you ask mom, please ask me, it’s called a success call and it’s free. I’m not the only one that does them so look for people successful in what you want to be successful at and see about talking to them. I beg you. For you. For the people you care about most. For the brilliant idea that deserves a chance to be made reality. Most of the time, and with only the best of uninformed intention, people that don’t know, instinctively say, “Wha?, Huh? Don’t do it.” 

• Maintenance. This is the really good stuff. The proverbial, “living the life”. Whatever started as not even an idea, became an idea. That idea was then pondered, tossed around, mulled over, and eventually prepared for to the point of action. Realizing and then actualizing = realizability. You did it! You get to say “I’m doing it”. You’re celebrating because not only did you do it, you’ve done it awhile now, and you’re still into doing it more. Making whatever “it” is to you a successful and sustained part of your life. Cheers! Yes, it takes work. Yes, it takes planning. Yes, it takes wrapping your head around a new possibility in your life. Yes, it takes seeking out others that have succeeded at what you are just starting. Yes! Yes! Yes! I love it when a plan comes together.

The TTM Stages-of-Change Model in Pictures

PRECONTEMPLATION

In full effect. This is basically the epitome of ignorant bliss. I’m sure the next days hangover was not quite as blissful. I’m not suggesting here that I don’t partake in the pictures array of delights, I have changed up the schedule from a daily activity of drugs and alcohol to more routines involving a clear head and an energized spirit.

CONTEMPLATION

The brilliant idea of something new and different can have consequences. One I had to become more comfortable with is that the idea to make a life changing move doesn’t mean the way life is now or was before is bad. Bad is a perception that definitely has negative consequences. I remember having an experience where I thought I’d made a mistake and I kept telling myself, “I feel so bad” until a couple days later I was so physically sickened I could barely get out of bed. A powerful lesson came from that painful experience; learning to be kind to myself and love myself through difficulties when they arise. The only constant is change. Contemplate that.

PREPARATION

I’m gonna say it again because I love it so much! I love it when a plan comes together. This phtoto was taken while packing a big life into a little box. It took a lot of planning and preparation but from where I sit now, thousands of miles from where this package started, I can honestly say I do love coming up with wild ideas that lift the spirit and bringing that which was but an idea into reality. Preparing is a gearing up and can take as long as it takes but it can go faster with the right support, system, and accountability on your side.

ACTION

The decision to act has been made and readied. In the midst of doing something I’ve been doing my whole life, just never quite as consistently as I would like, I now allow myself to dance with my art when the ideas flow, I now make the time and take the time to let them flow out of me. Not giving a fuck whether I unleashed my creativity a year ago or a day ago, I don’t act on the inspiration on create it and harness it. I rarely make it to the maintenance stage of painting for more than 6 months straight but I am creative almost daily and now think of it as play time for my psyche. Practicing creativity stimulates action in new and magical ways.

MAINTENANCE

This is the flow. The stage of change that is for the full embrace of accomplishment. The pat on the back. The reward of trial and error to finding success. There is a rule I will get to in a future episode on the concept of diminishing returns and how this statement seems like a big old let down. When in reality it means success has been attained. The efforts full reward received. The mountain has been climbed so therefore there is no more (of this) mountain to climb but another goal is aware of the success and ready at the gate to be unleashed. Another mountain?!? There is no such thing as one and done unless you make it a thing. Now that’s some invigorating and powerful insight to maintain. The power of our thoughts guides us either to success or failure. We get to choose. I am here as a testament choosing success.

Wikipedia likes to rain on the parade with adding “relapse” after the 5 stages. It’s not a stage but it is a very clear warning that should be taken lightly. That’s right - should be taken lightly. Relapse is probably more common than making it through the 5 stages permanently. Since this whole concept came from a personal trainer training, it’s a fair addition. Letting the stigma, fear, worry around “relapse” go, lifts the spirit to rise to a new occasion. Every time I’ve relapsed, I’ve learned. Letting the guilt and shame go has helped me better prepare, take action, and maintain more of the good stuff this one precious life has to offer, letting all the other stuff slide away that no longer serves this purpose. 

I’ve learned to embrace the truth around relapse to acknowledge its importance in playing the game of change. Adopting a more zen approach, “this too shall pass” attitude with change. I used to chalk this saying up to unpleasant life occurrences, not wanting to think that the most pleasurable moments are fleeting as well. The moments are fleeting, constantly changing, and in redefining the Stages of Change model to foster success on our own terms establishes YOU as the constant. Learning from relapse, another word for failure that I now equate with staying stuck in the contemplation or preparation stage forever. Doing nothing, when your instinct is screaming at you to head into high gear is failure.

I would rather relapse a thousand times than to never have tried. 

How best not to be hindered in successfully fulfilling your brilliant idea to fruition. Be more you, on your terms, and to help us all be more compassionate toward people that haven’t even contemplated a change that might very well benefit their life and well being.

If they haven’t thought of it, let it free up time and space to work on your own goals. This plan works out quite nicely for inspiring action in others. Something I love almost as much as a plan coming together is the best of both worlds - having your cake and eating eat too lifestyle. Inspiring others to strive for their own success by witnessing you accomplish yours. This might be my life’s work here 2020! Seeing someone else succeed in change can be a powerful motivator.

I just fell into an outraged tirade on relapse that quickly turned on the many creators of models that have hurt people instead of helped them. I deleted all of it for the last sentence. It also highlights 2 important things that I learned through changes I wanted to make.

The 1st was to change my life in more positive ways because I was living in anger and depression. The benefit is not that I don’t get angry, I do, but now I can see it quicker, call it out, and transform it into something more positive to get on to better stuff in life.

The 2nd is the “better stuff” can also be a trigger for relapse. Even in deleting the roaring tirade against relapse then turned to the creators of outdated health models, I was over halfway through this story and really feeling good about it when my own outdated and harmful model for myself tried to rear it’s nasty little head, “How dare you be happier now and sharing how other people can make change easier in their life!” This one is the realness.

How to better prepare ourselves to feel really good about the bright new ideas we want to energize into existence?

That feeling good about making change is a more important warning sign for relapse than the challenges that arise whenever starting something new and different and definitely should be taken seriously. Let the goodness of a bright new idea be sparked, ignited into action, energizing into existence. We are all worthy and deserving of what we want to make real in our life.

Take relapse lightly.

Take energized, giddy, joy seriously.

Little different.

The great gift is how good different can feel. I no longer try to be the way others think I should, especially if they think I should feel bad about being who I am. Reminds me that my body type doesn’t even appear on the weight to height charts from my earliest memory to just a few moments ago when I confirmed it once again with the internet.

Kicking off a 2020 vision for the future to make change easier and more fun on the daily. Acknowledging the bright ideas, contemplating trying something new, preparing, in as little time as possible. it’s only human potential here, no biggie.

Take inspired, then take empowered action.

Live it.

Change is the constant in the universe. Proof is the saying used to be death and taxes, change was never mentioned and I didn’t think about it, until I did. I may not have even believed it when I first heard about change in comparison to things in life we can count on being constant. Then suddenly, I started contemplating change and started preparing a little differently in the actions that embrace and maintain an open mind and heart to change as the future unfolds with the clear visualization of a plan coming together. 

How does changing up the stages of change, change the game for you?

How does it free you from changing at all or have you thinking about a plan of action to energize into existence?

Embracing that which we imagine as a new possibility to actualization seems a great way to kick off a new year and a new decade.

Cheers!

Don’t Bite Your Tongue: Redefine What's Next

I totally bit my tongue chewing on my feelings. Now I’m redefining what’s next.

Ouch!

That hurt.

Don’t bite your tongue!

Not just sharing a friendly reminder against chewing your food while angry at the healthcare system, but how it’s impacting more than just my immediate ability to enjoy eating.

What started as a “well visit” to the doctor gone wrong is launching a mission to redefine what’s next.

This time it’s personal.

Who am I kidding, it’s always been personal.

First, with a career fighting for healthcare rights within primary care and complementary care medicine which became an overwhelming and exasperating stress over time. So much so that I was fortunate to step away, for a redefining bit, when I did.  

Now, it’s time to bring everything I learned trying to help as many people as possible within the healthcare system as we know it, to help as many people in need - stay out of the system. At the same time providing a solid resource to navigate the ins, and hopefully quick outs, from major medical with more confidence in times of need.

Don’t bite your tongue.

My righteous anger to try and fix the whole American healthcare system came to a crashing halt several years ago. For a long time I shied away from getting back in the game for fear of the negative health consequences. Both for myself and my family. The people I love most really took the brunt of the bad days that were increasing as my disillusion in being able to create any real positive change from the inside became acutely and painfully clear.

Apathy and jaded cynicism are no place to best help people from. 

Now, the tables have turned and after this “well visit” gone wrong and my anger surging enough to make eating a fight, I’m infusing the love and compassion I have for my family and expanding it once again to as many people as it may be useful to. 

Since my family is not happy when I’m angry. I’m re-igniting the immense joy playing the insurance game to win gave me. Calling back all the knowledge of my previous life as a healthcare manager with a focus on how to best use the system when in need and better still, stay out of it, whenever possible.

Infusing that outer game expertise with the inner game skills of coaching. I’m all in on a brand new game.  Letting go of what no longer works in this whole system of retirement and health care and letting in more of what wins, by redefining what’s next.

As a healthcare manager and insurance billing specialist the best recommendation I can make now is one I heard from my mom when she was helping her mom forty-some years ago. After a doctor’s appointment that also went wrong. I can remember this moment of frustration so clearly, I get goosebumps recalling it now. My mom returning livid because the doctor brushed off my grandma’s health concerns as just a part of getting older. “Stay well Sam, so you stay out of the doctor’s office.”

Forty years later and she’s still not wrong. The problem is that if you successfully stay out of the doctor’s office and something happens to land you in the exact place you’ve tried to avoid, it is a foreign world, confusing, immensely complex, and in America especially; outrageously expensive. 

Inspired to start again, this time, through helping my mom navigate her health and life in retirement to best live her life on her terms. 

I tried to be more prepared so I could do it better for my mom and not have her let down by the system that let both her and my family down. I’d love to say, “I’m writing this now successful” but I’m not. I’m writing to declare I want it to be better still. I didn’t fail my mom but the current system still got the better of us and I now know it’s going to take more. More know how, more expertise, more savvy, more moxy, and most of all more confidence in our own ability to be well AND navigate this maddening system when we need to.

This haughty endeavor is also made possible through... I’m gonna say it... part of me still cringes a little but the part of me that has made real, and now, lasting positive change knows the benefits of… (don’t bite your tongue) personal growth work. I said it! Which is really just a more palatable way of saying anger management for me. There’s been depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, self deprecation, critical self judgment, perfection recovery, sex, drugs, rock-n-roll, and interpersonal relationship repair and rebuilding. So personal growth it is.

Maybe it’s that I’ve always been a little different, but I can see how the way it is, is not the way it has to be for each of us individually. Those broad sweeping guidelines may not apply to the individual. As a broad definition in America, I am thankful for what “we the people” in the “pursuit of happiness” can do with our life and health, but when anything in the macro goes micro things can get quickly disconnected and confusing. 

The more I get curious instead of angry, the more clarity and strength in my convictions to redefine what’s next becomes. Infusing confidence in the actions each individual has the potential to take can create a better balance between what is “good” for each individual one of us and what others think is “good” for us.

Transitioning from a life we may have had just a day ago, or for most of our lives, to something completely new is a shock to the system. If you haven’t experienced this yet, you probably will, and if you relate right now, you are not alone.

This month has been the epoc of this transition. In my home, it has brought up all the things that both drove me away from healthcare management, involving thousands of people, until I was utilizing those same skills everyday, but for one person instead of thousands.

In both cases there has been one consistent; It still drives me a little bit crazy from the madness we’ve made in America out of all things “health” & “aging” and wanting desperately to make it better, but how?

First I bit my tongue.

Then I whined about it as I tried to finish my lunch.

Then I got high because it helps me switch my perspective faster and chill out.

Then the lightbulb went off.

Stop biting your tongue!

I’m gonna be honest here. I’m always honest but today, this moment is a tribute to what has brought me to this point. The present and what the future holds. It’s gonna have a lot of good stuff and it will combat the status quo. Breaking the mold for those that have a righteous anger for redefining what’s next on their own terms, for their life.

I had to get real clear on how to embrace the inspiration from a life and health crisis, and not just let it draw me down into a well of hopelessness and despair. There was a bit of hopelessness and despair but one imperative thing I’ve learned is to scream “STOP!” to switch gears.Then to reach out in these moments, not shut down and isolate for fear of failure, or the unknown, or the worst fear of all, the worst case scenario.

This time, it is... and maybe that’s an important point, this time. Which means there was a last time, and there will be a next time - hopefully. Therefore, this is not the last time that the disconnect between what we want for ourselves and our loved ones sometimes barrels right into crisis. Whether a literal crisis or an existential one, a strong anchor to confidently and clearly communicate with the people that have the best of intentions but no concept of how administering them affects our individual lives. 

By honoring our wants and desires for our health and wellbeing, we can work with anyone that respects that alignment. Maybe more importantly, knowing immediately if they don’t align so moving onto other better options and relationships can be explored.

A client just gave me a brilliant writer-downer about getting any recommendation from a doctor, “you diagnose, I’ll treat.” 

It needs to feel like a team sport and not golf. The doctor being the golfer and the patient being the ball. Especially when the tool used perfectly for golfing, a club, leaves the patient beaten and battered. Only to show up next week in the doctor’s office if things have gotten worse and not better, to a whole new onslaught of beating again.

Sorry docs, it’s been a rough month and you’re taking a little hit here. 

I did after all say I wasn’t going to bite my tongue.

I most want to find ways to once again help everyone involved. I used to be so high and mighty about ALL the people I helped in my role as a healthcare manager and insurance billing specialist. Helping the doctors schedule and treat patients, helping patients get scheduled and seen for care, and most enjoyably suited to my temperament, fighting the insurance companies to pay for it. I loved helping the insurance companies pay for care they absolutely did not want to pay for.

My business card didn’t say, “I’ll fight for your healthcare rights” for nothin’.

Sorry insurance companies. Not sorry.

How do you want to navigate what you want for yourself, what others want for you or think is best, and the big badass world that has more input and distraction than ever before?

Don’t bite your tongue!

What would life be like if you didn’t bite your tongue?

Instead, deciding to redefine what’s next, then energizing that vision for yourself into existence?

I got so angry after my mom’s “well visit” with her doctor turned into a month long nightmare, I almost chewed my tongue off over it. 

Don’t bite your tongue!

So here we go!

After several years of all that encompasses the transition into retirement, and how it’s just not cutting it, the anger rising over our society and its inability to embrace the wealth of insight and expertise gained through getting to this point, retirement turned out to be a big let down.

Talk about something that has tired me out! Retirement! I’m tired of retirement!

My mom was tired of retirement before she ever retired. I’m grateful I have been able to help her navigate it. I’m grateful she has tolerated my “help”. 

Along this “most fantastic journey” I’ve discovered a lot of what’s rolled into my “helping” is that it’s a beautiful and touching family tradition that also isn’t cutting it. How many of us are living by severely outdated, 50-100 year old patterns of “care”? Outdated and in misalignment with all the possibilities offered today. When creating brand new patterns that are more aligned with how we can do this thing called life now, is possible within each of us to energize into existence.

The experience I gained during my medical management career taught me one thing for certain; advances in healthcare are moving faster than anyone can seem to keep up. Due to that, there’s a lot of advantage that can be taken. It’s also a two-way street or a double edged sword. More and more technology and know how to save lives, all the while, no one ever thought that the drug dealers would become the pharmaceutical industry instead of the dude I used to visit down the street for my drugs. Incentivising doctors to become the pushers, unbeknownst to many but not all, mostly us drug users and now Big Pharma.

Just in my last visit the recommendation was made, “if that drug isn’t causing any side effects, keep taking it.”e On one side, I totally get it but at the same time they were super blasé about whether the medication was actually necessary but “just take it” rolled right off the doctor’s tongue.

Then the pharmacist continues to try and sell us the drugs that my mom has now refused to take and we’ve discovered she doesn’t even need after all. If we weren’t on the ball when we picked-up a different, and thankfully only temporary prescription, the dealers would still get their money and just like street dealers, there are no returns.

What I have experienced and learned over these past few years are secrets to success after a successful career or successful life gets derailed. Forcing considerable introspection, learning to ignite curiosity instead of anger, and then a search for answers aligned more with what we each individually want out of this life now. The re-aligning after certain visualizations of the future, now the present, have come delightfully to fruition. Others, I would like to give more attention to. Even though these more difficult life events are unpleasant to think about, they are made so much worse and more difficult to navigate, because of just that reason, when they develop unsuspectingly in our lives.

I’m not biting my tongue.

I want it to be easier for anyone that finds themself in a similar situation. 

I’m not biting my tongue.

I want to help. But in a way that honors our individuality and utilizes the systems in place to “help” us do just that, help. If a system or previous plan isn’t helping or screams out for change, I promise to add my voice and insight. To help make improvements when demand arises. Redefining a new route to more confidently move forward on.

Being an expert at a career takes a lifetime and when that shifts to a completely different life, it comes with a whole new playbook full of learning. 

We ain’t got time for that!

After the past year settling into retirement and the transitional clusterfuck I’ve witnessed and been a party to navigating, I’ve become enlightened to the reality, and the reality deserves to be redefined.

Watching how society really sees the elders of our country as both a group that should just fade away and a commodity to be exploited has fully charged my righteous anger and desire for better.

Seeing first hand how being in need of healthcare can quickly turn into the last thing a previously healthy person, that didn’t ever want to be involved with the healthcare system, can be blind-sided by it.

The clashing of opposites in the exam room. One woefully unprepared to be their and one so accustomed to the setting, it can be hard not only to relate but to avoid robotically treating based on the thousands of patients having sat in front of them before. It can be hard to bridge that gap effectively, which is why it can too often go awry.

I fell into this trap after years of fighting the insurance companies, the process is complex and purposely confusing. Explaining any part of it with someone that has never been involved with it before, can cause a blank stare or long silence on the phone. I remember a very stressed client creating her own version of how insurance billing worked, she was totally wrong in every way, but I was so enthralled with her idea and the worry, concern, and time it took to construct her fallacy. 

Maybe I most appreciated the reflection of my own overactive, creative mind that can go into high gear when facing the unknown. Before I learned a few solid techniques to prevent getting ahead of myself and headed in the wrong direction with worry thoughts lacking basis in reality. As I reflect back, this creative client may have had the solution to the whole insurance quagmire, if I could only remember it now!

Holding onto stress, worry, and anger doesn’t help though, even though it happens. It may be the fault of a collective. Sometimes more maddening, when it's nobody’s fault at all. Maybe it’s the country’s fault for not providing Medicare for all. Maybe the profitizing of healthcare. Maybe fear of moving through change for fear of making things worse. The list of reasons to get mad can go on and on, but only if we let the anger become settled in and toxic.

I don’t want that toxic anger and frustration in my home. It is its own illness and leads quickly to health decline. My friend was visiting the other day while I was looking over an explanation of benefits and wanting a detailed description of services the doctor’s office billed for, which I had to call and request.  He overheard my call and chuckled at my tone. A familiar one since we worked together. He complimented the assistance the doctor’s office staff provided in getting the request to me because my voice gave way my frustration.

But really though? No clear explanation of what is billed without having to ask. Certainly no communication about it… STOP! It happens to me so fast, I leave this beginning of a mad, downward spiraling, rant to honor screaming(out loud or in your head) “STOP!” because it wasn’t going anywhere accept to rile up my frustration and anger at what should be improved for the betterment of all our lives. At the same time, totally not worth my expenditure of vital energy and happiness. So remember to “STOP!” and say it out loud if you have to in order to pull yourself out of the downward spiral you now know how to prevent going down. 

Don’t bite your tongue.

Having always known I wanted to “help take care of my mom” is almost as big a transition in actualizing as my mom’s in retirement. We have both had a lot to learn and from this time in our lives together. Moving forward I’m going to kick-up the retirement notch, not just for her, for myself, and anyone else that wants it to be better than “taken care of”. 

“Taken care of” means that someone cannot take care of themselves.

“Taken care of” through a crisis can turn into taking care of indefinitely.

Redefinition: “taken care of” means changing the actions and outdated beliefs of what “taken care of” once meant. Braving mutually beneficial conversations about how we each want to live. How we can support and be involved without removing the individuality so many of us cherish. 

I used to do this with my mom, “I’m gonna take care of her because she took care of me”. The big difference here though, is that I was a kid and she is a grown woman. A feisty one at that. I now see where I get it from when I hear her make brilliant decisions for other family members well-being, and I now know I get to redefine what’s next. 

Curiosity and inquiry can get us back on our own track instead of solving other people’s problems. I’ve learned, through more than one head butting conversation too many, we’re usually way off what the person we want to “take care of” really wants.

Now I ask questions.

“It sounds like you’re really worried about what your family should do, is that what you want for yourself?”

“What do you want to do if you can’t drive, shop, cook, bathe?”

The conversation that ensued was completely different than any we’d had before and far more enlightening to what we each want in case we can’t “take care of” ourselves or effectively each other now that we live together.

This issue and other related topics we’ve decided to share over the coming year(s) ahead because what we envisioned this time in our lives to be isn’t the reality. In some of the challenges and difficulties over the past two years we’ve faced, we didn’t want to think about the - not so fun stuff - so we were forced to address issues we were woefully unprepared for when they arose.

No one to get angry at over this one. Yes. There’s us, but getting angry at ourselves over these missteps will only cause resentment between us. Again, I’m thankful for the personal growth work and coaching I’ve invested in before getting to this point. I now know enough to call out any situation that would cause resentment, in order to change course back in the direction we want to go. For us, a fulfilling and fun retirement. 

It didn’t really seem like preparation at the time but working on improving my relationships with the people I love and myself before living with my mom again has helped tremendously. I give thanks to that voice inside me, screaming for help to be happy again. 

Reflecting on the many conversations my mom and I have had since embarking on this new life that I predicted and envisioning before it became our reality is where the most change has occurred. How similar in some ways, and how very different the reality is now actualized, and now how much better the reality moving forward now deserves to be. 

It deserves to be redefined.

That is what I am here now to do.

This is my mission.

Redefine what’s next.

I’m not biting my tongue and I hope you don’t either.

Instead, do the following three steps to kickstart what you do want next:

1. How is it now? Get honest with how life is now. What’s awesome about it and what isn’t working. Something that helps for me now, is the things that make me feel stuck in my next step. If there is fear, anger, or resentment there is room for improvement. Temper is my divining rod to what isn’t working and laughter is my divining rod for what is. Maybe more so joy. I loved those tickled pink moments in life and want more smiles. Seeing my mom smile and being able to enjoy the moments of joy after getting past a health crisis let’s me know we’re on the right track. Where you are now and the feelings that arise are a perfect guide moving more towards what you want. Take time to ponder how it is now so step 2 can really open the possibilities.

2. If you took off all the preconceived notions about what the future holds, what would you want what’s next to look like? Let the imagination flow a bit. It might be bigger than you ever thought or smaller. “I thought I wanted a property in the country and I really want an apartment in town close to more amenities”. This is your dream of what the future should look like for you so start with a year and see if longer term ideas come to light. Enjoy “yourself” here - it’s just an exercise so let’s just pretend everyone else you care about is on board. Do note any stop signs that come up though and give them grace. These will be naysayers, including yourself about what’s possible. Watch for them and be curious. Ideas can conflict. It’s OK. This exercise is about opening up and exploring what’s next and part of that is clearly seeing how and when barriers pop-up. 

3. Compare and Create. See clearly the similarities and differences and how they can mingle more in the present and be made real throughout the rest of your life. If I want to trail walk, and I have trails by my house to walk, but I’m not walking them, I’m not doing something today that I want to do in my future. If I want to travel later, in retirement, but I never travel now, is there a way to make travel a part of life now? My mom is an avid birder and went on many birding group trips until one this year was cold and an overall pain for her all around. When she got home she said she was done. And I shut-up and just listened. She followed that bold statement up quickly with a list of birds she wants to see where we live now. All within a day or weekend trip. I’m glad I didn’t interrupt her because for me, I want to be able to spend time with her and am thrilled to drive around Oregon(something I love to do) with her searching for elusive birds. It’s important for me to make the time to do these activities with her now because as difficult as the reality is, we don’t have all the time in the world, but we never really did. 

Beautiful backroad drives in search of birds and botany with my mom is one exciting new redefinition of what’s next that only came about through doing this exercise. 

What are the important activities that you want more of on the regular?  

How can you make them a now activity to “take care of” in living more of the life you want now, instead of waiting for later?

Don’t bite your tongue.

I bit my tongue for too long.

I’m not biting it anymore.

I’m redefining what’s next and I invite you to come along for one hell of a fun time! 

Which is nowhere in the American healthcare system or the retirement status quo. No need to get angry over a system that may or may not ever change. 

In redefining what’s next, creating a life of our own design to make the most of our time so we are enjoying it on our terms will help navigate anything that comes our way.

This is my goal for all of us and sharing the things that work, and the things that don’t is part of the mission that redefines what’s next.

If this has helped you, please let me and everyone else here know so we can together build a community of people redefining what’s next and successfully energizing it into existence. 

If you have any questions, please pose them, and let’s get the answers that help you the most. Especially if you’re navigating through a transition that is bringing up some of the challenges shared here. I want to build tactful and useful action steps to help continually navigate toward the things we most want out of life and away from the things we don’t.

Please do contact me anytime in redefining what’s next for you, if you aren’t making the progress you want to or getting the results you desire from how it is now. I can help with that.

Don’t bite your tongue!

Thank you!

Cheers!

As I completed this story, my cat got my attention biting a message I received many years ago that’s pinned to my bulletin board. As I look at it now, I am encouraged in the actions that keep me from biting my tongue going forward.

Not Your Everyday: 5 Tips to Help Quit Nicotine (Vaping and/or Cigarette Smoking)

I’m putting this out here today mainly in response to the recent reports of the dangers and deaths from vaping.

Because of the industry of vaping?

No.

Because the dangers of vaping and smoking?

Not really.

Because of the mouth close-ups news channels cannot stop showing on repeat of people vaping?

Yes!!

So Gross!!

The news must not need permission to just get a mouth close-up of someone smoking or vaping. If they did, I would just ask everyone to refuse permission from now on and that would solve my little phobia of mouth close-ups exhaling vapor or smoke. 

But since they don’t need permission, I’m just gonna have to ask everyone vaping to please stop so I never have to see this imagery again. 

Thank you.

I’m kidding!

Kind of.

This is for those that want to take me up on quitting. 

Decided to be a quitter, have you?

Come on over, it’s like a breath of fresh air.

It’s easy! You’ll see.

Ha!

No it is not easy!

Even last night, I about threw the remote at the tv when the news reporter suggested they didn’t totally know what about vaping was causing these injuries and deaths so for right now, just stop.

Oh! Just stop. Thank you so much! I’d just never thought of that before.

Nonsmokers!! I’ll get to them in a minute.

Quitting is hard though. Maybe it was just hard for me. I only know it was so hard for me because everyone that loves me still loves reminding me how hard it was for me To quit, even now, years later. 

Maybe their collective memory hasn’t faded because it took at least a dozen times and I still smoke.

That’s right folks! I quit! And I still smoke.

Already embracing my awareness to the many flagrant dualities in life. That’s a story for a future blog to keep posted for. Wink-Wink.

When I say I will smoke, it’s more on a case by case basis. Hypothetically, Keith Richards comes up to me offering a smoke. Post Malone for the kids. That is a cigarette I am personally not saying no to.

As someone that has tried vaping and didn’t find the tastiness of it satisfying when juxtaposed against inhaling a nasty-ass cigarette, I can only imagine someone getting me to inhale nicotine again through having an actual cigarette, not by sharing a nicotine vaporizer. Let us not fantasize about things we don’t want to have happen. Picturing me declining to share a nicotine vape pen with Kit Harrington now playing in my head.

This story is about not using nicotine. When it comes to vaping cannabis, let * lead the way.

Another example of an occasion I might smoke is a cautionary tale from a friend of mine that just got back from Paris, France. They hinted to me they wished they had sat at a street cafe in Paris and smoked. I would have smoked! Smoking in a cafe in Paris, France sounds worthwhile. Almost makes me buy a ticket now. 

That’s the point. I’m not making those excuses anymore is I can feed nicotine’s need, and as a non-smoker I don’t have to anymore or ever again.

I don’t want to smoke the way I smoked, and I smoked proudly, unabashedly, and dickeshly, for years.

Why? (For the non-smokers.)

Because smoking worked well for me in my life, until it didn’t.

This is the same as all things that create an impetus for change. 

If smoking still worked the way it did for so long, I’d still be smoking. The thing for me is, it didn’t. It’s the big and dirty secret of nicotine - it requires more and more from the user with no regard to the damage it is doing. Nicotine doesn’t give a fuck that it kills you. The knowledge that I was having such a spiritual, enlightened, hip, sexy, cool relationship with nicotine was purely one way, and it completely disgusted me when the blue haze that settles in the stillness of putting a cigarette out finally cleared.

That’s what got me to finally quit. I loved it so much and it was just using me, with no regard the cost to my health and life it was stealing away.

The other reason is that I was staying at my mom’s house before we moved in together, I heard a bump in the night, woke with a start, and barely made it to my bedroom door when I seriously thought I might just fall down and die, unable to help my mom if she needed me. The pressure in my chest, lack of breath, and heaviness throughout my body, making it nearly impossible to move the way I was used to moving scared me enough to quit.

Still wasn’t easy for me. 

I also got sick almost every time I quit too. This is more so just a possibility that may only apply to me but it seems worth mentioning because it had a beneficial effect of making me really not want to smoke. I didn’t like being sick but I liked that it really helped me get over the hump of the first few days of quitting nicotine. Nothing like being too sick to smoke. Remember, it’s the nicotine that pushes that button, and the nicotine doesn’t even care if pneumonia is the reason, or a 103 degree temperature, it needs us to inhale until we no longer can even take a breath.

The worst!

I know and I’m sorry if reading so far is giving you second thoughts about quitting. Good! You are going to have many second thoughts about quitting until you decide you are a non-smoker.

So without further adieu, my top 5 tips to quitting:

1. Think of a non-smoker and what they’d be doing. Got it? Nothing. They’d be doing nothing because they don’t smoke. This one seems overly obvious but it never occured to me and helped me every time I wanted to smoke. There are just all these people out in the world, living their lives, without any desire to inhale anything to live happily. What would a non-smoker do? Then I’d spend a few breaths pondering that calmness or annoyance or whatever the feeling as a now non-smoker until the urge to inhale passed.

2. Talk to someone. Phone a friend. Especially if you’re having a hard time with it and struggling. Some people can just stop and become an instantaneous non-smoker. Those people are evil. Do not trust them. No. No! They just weren’t me. I asked for a lot of help once I knew I was failing at quitting. I turned to my acupuncturist that had just completed a coaching certification and the coaching sequences she used with me really helped in a long lasting way. The acupuncture needling, massage, and ear beads helped too.

3. Do something else. Right? I feel like I hear you. And you aren’t the 1st person to tell me to fuck off and you won’t be the last. And from a yogi no less! It’s from the introduction to Michelle Goldberg’s book, The Goddess Pose. The author is caught smoking by her yogi after a yoga class, he takes the cigarette from her and instead of putting it out, he starts to smoke it. She exclaims in shock and his response is, “smoking won’t interfere with your yoga, but yoga will interfere with your smoking.” Take a few clearing breaths and ponder all that that means.

4. Breathing exercises. They might seem silly, funny, or weird but they’re not. We need our breath and as ex-smokers, we’ve been torturing our ability to do the number one thing humans need to do to continue living so taking a few moments during a nic-fit, pick a breathing exercise and do it. There’s one where you take a deep breath in and let it out through pierced lips. I really like something called box breathing because it’s also a relaxation technique where you take a 3-5 count breath in, hold it for a 4-5 count, then exhale fully for a 4-7 count, and inhale again for a 3-5 count. Repeat until you’ve moved on from freaking out over the nagging of nicotine.

5. Make a list of all the other things you’d like to do instead of smoking and pick something off the list and do it. This ties in with tip #3 and the 1st thing that comes to my mind from my list was bathe. Can’t shower and smoke. You might be able to shower and vape but let’s pretend you don’t want to do that. On the list you might want to include some healthy snacks. The urge to feed your face might be a real thing for you. It was for me and I wasn’t always great at making my snacks healthy. I think I said I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted for the 1st month after quitting. I also increased my physical activity after I quit because anything physically active while smoking is a challenge. One of my favorite alternatives from my list was to put on a song and dance.

There they are, 5 tips to help quit nicotine that might not be on every other (or any other) recommendation list. 

Just don’t give up.

Don’t beat yourself up if you inhale again. I know I’m not supposed to say that but it’s true. If the truth is you have to smoke, then you will have to smoke and when you decide you want to be a non-smoker, you will be. Does that make sense? I hope so. Let me try again though; if you find yourself inhaling when you said you wouldn’t, own it. Really be present with the experience and forgive yourself, release the guilt, and try being a non-smoker again another time.

You make the rules around your habits that make them true.

Quitting is not the same for everyone but I do believe everyone that wants to quit can. 

I made it hard. I made it so hard. I made it so much harder than it needed to be because I gave nicotine more credit than it deserved when what I really needed to be doing was giving myself that credit. Once I started living my life on brand new terms I created, I was a non-smoker of my own design.

That you are here reading this is a great sign that you want to quit, care about someone you wish would quit, or are looking for new additions to your own recommendations list for someone you’re helping to quit.

Know too, that I am somewhere right now not smoking (I haven’t run into Keith Richards nor am I going to Paris, France anytime soon) and believing that you can not smoke or vape or really not do whatever it is that you don’t want to do because there is something more important that you do want to do now.

What do you want now?

Think about that.

Take an action step toward that.

Keep those new thoughts at the forefront of your mind every time the thought to grab that nicotine tries to take over.

It is better and more worth it than any form of nicotine.

Remember too, it’s nicotines fault. This is all nicotines fault. Nicotine is to blame and similar to killing you, nicotine doesn’t even care when you’ve left it behind.

Bye nicotine, Bye!

I do invite you to contact me or just click here to sign-up for a FREE Start Session if you want help quitting or need someone to talk to and possibly work with while quitting. If not me, please reach out to any of the people in your life that care about you, or provide support services and counseling while quitting. You are worth it!

* Vaping Cannabis: it’s hard to resist the temptation for big hits but try. This is true with cigarette comparisons too. Never would I take an insanely huge hit off a cigarette but it’s so much easier to take huge hits off a vape pen. It just is. It seems counter-intuitive to recommend “smoking” in another form so I won’t. It seems irresponsible anyway. There are a lot of other tasty and delightful ways to get THC if you’re so inclined to try. I realize I have the benefit of legal cannabis in my state, and can only hope the same for your state too, and ALL STATES SOON.

Triggered Reactions: A Practice in Floating Atop My Emotions Instead of Drowning in Them

Getting my float on energizes my pool time with joyful giddiness. It’s my adulating playtime.

When I learned the word trigger, I couldn’t have been but knee high to a grasshopper.

Not so much. No. Not at all was there any reference to even the word trigger beyond gun references. Hair trigger. Trigger finger. Pull the trigger.

Emotional triggers: I learned this insightful word and its meaning only in the past few years. 

This is the story of a mild trigger - like a gnat buzzing around my ear, I could step out a bit and see more clearly how and why I was triggered, and that working on my response is a practice well worth the effort. 

Likewise to all things personal growth for me I dived into the deep waters of learning and came out with painful lessons, forgiveness, warning signs, and most importantly a few pretty simple practices addressing how to better respond when I’m triggered emotionally. 

Practicing how to process my reactions in a more positive way. 

Inspired as well after a recent conversation with a friend. She had just been triggered by something in her social media feed that just a couple years ago had coached me through: trigger, reaction, emotional backlash, deeper trigger, change action(s). Our talk providing a bit of comfort around the open timeline and process of putting change work into practice. 

Patience.

Being able to better feel the spark ignited by the trigger without the powerful rush of my history with the subject matter has enabled me to function a bit more skillfully through both my response and attempts at prevention.

Just like peeling off the layers of winter clothes as Summer approaches to go to the pool, shedding the angry and visceral responses to what the world around me presents is like a cool float on a hot day.

Nothing like a community Facebook group page to test my progress.

It’s now been a year living in a planned community with my mom. It has all the things you could possibly want if you play fairly nice with others. It has a pool and hot tub, a homeowners association, and of course a group facebook page. Oh yeah, and plenty of deer.

Seemingly the most boring of pages, which is quite nice given the madness available on the internet, still has its moments. I rarely pay attention to it unless there’s complaining involved. Always a man. Always. 

For me, my social media pages are such a learning process and sometimes quite baffling source of stress, getting emotionally charged by something triggering me out of a fairly calm and peaceful state.

Thankfully, I get to go online and enjoy it in short bursts. Having a business has increased my presence, also directing it in specific ways. Having a business so closely tied to my identity creates new possibilities and new pitfalls. In retrospect, I created the many pages because I think I can balance the two. The verdict on my success with that is still out

Fumbling through social media and experiencing both my own and others triggers put personal growth work to work. Getting a glimpse of my process play out, is both good and the helpful in the areas still needing work with more and more skill to navigate moving forward with less trauma. 

Working to overcome my anger and temper has helped me identify more acutely my triggers with some great skills to remain out of the red - most of the time. 

This is an example of the progress I’ve made and the constant work in practice I call my life.

I go to the pool here in my community, swim and relax a bit in the sun while I dry off. The times of extended laying out for that tan are less important than less healthy to me now. Life is shorter now and I ain’t got time for laying around baking to a crisp in the desert sun.

Our pool closes in winter and only has 2 precious weeks before kiddos get out of school and it admittedly gets a bit hectic for my taste.

The weather was perfect! I jumped right in and even took some photos, documenting the serenity and joy I was basking in more than the sun. A little bit of sun. Just the vitamin D requirement worth.

Warm.

Sunny.

Refreshing.

Happy.

Good to go with my fun in the sun fix. I got out, dried off, headed home, and got online posting amusing pictures of the deer pruning the bushes outside the pool. This is when I noticed a grumpy neighbor posted a complaint on our group Facebook page and I lost my cool. 

Oh deer!! A warning: stay out of the crosshairs. Becoming keenly aware of how to better move through triggers.

I have a few internet and social media rules now that I try to abide by. Embracing a more harmonious and pleasant presence in social media land with a goal to reduce triggers as much as possible. Probably helped when I started using it for work purposes. I didn’t want to let my personality and posts be all business though, these few steps just help me navigate away from negativity. 

1. Creating a social media mission or values philosophy. Everything I post now aligns with my main goal of sharing a thoughtful and overall good time. I’m a photographer and painter so I share beauty in images. I’m a health & lifestyle coach so I share expressions of my journey to living a more energized, fulfilled, and joyful life now, before it’s too late. 

2. I don’t have time for people that spread anger that ends up on my feed. I’m not in any kind of business that requires I see these toxic posts. Unfollow and unfriend if posts trigger a downward spiraling response, getting them out of my space.

3. If I don’t have anything encouraging, constructive, relatable, or funny to say in response to someone’s post, a loosely termed friend according to Facebook, I move on, making no comment. Leaving posts and comments I disagree with and quickly moving on to more pet photos, please. An effort of being kinder and more respectful to myself first. Everybody else gets a beautiful, upgraded version because of these simple rules.

When I saw this neighbors rant about our pool, I was at first critical; don’t you have anything better to do than get in our neighborhood group and complain? Followed by thinking how fortunate are we that we have such sublime problems; a step emotionally in the right direction.

Just that moment of a curious thought mixed with a bit of gratitude adjusted the trigger a bit in my brain.

At this point, I was instantaneously distracted from my original purpose for getting on Facebook, which isn’t uncommon in playing the game of social media. 

Of course, in retrospect I can clearly see the trigger had been pulled.

I wrote a scathing response, which I deleted. Wrote it again. Deleted. Knowing me I probably copied and pasted it into my journal if it was a good enough zinger. I finally trimmed to the most zen I could think of, taking a pause in my emotion.

Why did this get me so hot?

Hot: a word I now use in reference to my temper.

Dissociating from the anger a bit and giving it a little space to simmer down.

What I ended up responding with:

“When I go to the pool or any place and find that it is too crowded, or the scene isn’t what I’m interested in, I leave and come back another time. I hope you find your right time.”

Not bad, Sam! Way to reel it in.

Not everyone can do this - yet! I didn’t used to be able to do it either. Sense that I was being triggered by something in my line of fire and sooth my emotional state instead of letting my temper flare, and my fingertips deliver a snappy comeback. 

It wasn’t until I saw my partner at the time fully check-out from reality and into a past experience, unleashing a fury upon me that taught me what PTSD can do. Only in reflection can I see the triggers so clearly and how they reflect our responses. It didn’t take long before I knew something was drastically different in these incidents. I quickly and desperately wanted to know how I could change MY behavior because my reactions were not helping the situation. I can look back on that now with forgiveness for us both, and a very clear understanding that I’ve got to do my own work first before I can help others.

Progress!

In additional to my outwardly mild response to this neighbors post, I upped the ante, taking a completely unnecessary passive aggressive turn. Posting pictures I’d taken around the pool, the calm waves on the water, the blue sky with clouds in the distance, that cute deer picture with a pretty obvious and overly enthusiastic celebration of all things community pool.

The passive aggression was only obvious to me in retrospect, not in the moment. In the moment my only thought was to show something else, more positive because I knew that lashing out at him with a verbal tirade was not the answer.

I’ve been kicked out of a social media group before!

I know how to play this game!

My real trigger came blathering out of me in my initial response to this man’s criticizing post: the only people I’ve seen behave badly at the pool are male. From little boys cannonball diving next to my head - to this old guys post.

My biggest response to being triggered is anger. Red, hot, anger released in a wave of psychobiological response surging through my body, wreaking havoc on my entire being. 

My most profound personal growth work has come through working on my anger response. I learned too young the power of anger. How it shapes interactions. How energetically charged and in control I felt while in reality, I was completely out of control.

Even with the therapy I received as a child to combat my anger response, it doesn’t compare with all I’ve learned to address my anger most beneficially in the past few years.

The energy of anger used to be my crack! I will forever be learning and putting into practice how to build that energy in more positive, loving ways.

It sucks really.

I’m so good at anger now!

Too much practice at anger instead of love. It wore me down after 40 years though. Leaving me Emotionally depleted. 

I turned my seething anger, the chip on my shoulder, into a great career where I could siphon it through the guise of righteous anger. Working as an insurance billing specialist and medical manager. The goal to get health insurance to pay for what it states it will pay for but doesn’t guarantee it will pay for until billing is processed.  A never ending battle for health. I remember thinking of it as helping so many people. I was helping people get medical care. I was helping healthcare providers treat patients. I was helping insurance companies pay for it. My anger was justified in my efforts or so I thought at the time.

This worked as a great cover-up for over 10 years. Until I got laid off and every job I looked for made me think of what most people said to me during this time of my life.

“I don’t know how you can do this everyday. It would drive me crazy!”

That sums up my downward spiral. I don’t recommend picking a career with the need to feed anger at the top of the job requirements list. I appreciated the reminder of this in my community because they are electing a new home owners association board, and my mom suggested I throw my name in the hat after this interaction. I’ve gotten enough distance from my triggers to know one thing for sure: Don’t go into any endeavor with anger as the main motivator. It will for sure lead to more anger.

So what worked to change?

More breathing deep and exhaling fully.

Soothing myself through exercise and meditation.

Energizing my life with more joy has worked wonders.

One big key was letting go of the notion that I could flip a switch and be a beacon of positivity. I’m not going to be so dramatic as to say it was too late for me. More so, the persona I took on through my anger has lent so strongly to my personality that it will always be there.

My ah-ha moment around this came when I learned that having a long history with an emotion that has become toxic doesn’t mean I can’t make changes to improve my reactions and overall attitude. 

Bonus! By fostering my softer side, finding ways to boost my joy, people that don’t know the past me think I’m always going to be chill, relaxed, and affable. 

Oh yeah!

Working on boundaries has helped considerably in conjunction with working on my temper. 

When a conflict situation arises, I can now better catch the trigger. My responses have the expertise from a lifetime of anger as a go-to response behind them.

The energy is palpable. As I write this, it flares slightly, like standing near an electric fence. Tick, tick, tick. 

The deeper work for me under this trigger was enlightening. Given the current rise, not so much moving toward more equal footing between men and women, as making a long overdue jump forward. When I was able to sit with the reality of most of my negative, weirded out experiences in pool setting, they involve males. I’m using males because the range is from boys to old men.

• Being leered at and hit on by men at pools. Not at my current pool. Thankfully! 

• A young male child, like 4 or 5, pointing at me and saying, “that’s the lady that never talks to anybody” while dad ignored his kid talking to me this way. Thanks kid. Thanks dad. I think it’s best that women in their 40’s aren’t talking to you but nice to see you’re already passing judgement on how I should act at your age.

• In the hot tub by myself when a gaggle of pre-teen boys being obnoxious in the pool all get out simultaneously and get in the hot tub with me. Nothing like being surrounded by pubescent boys for hot tub relaxation. I’m not going any deeper into hot tub situations, we’ve all got other things to do today.

• A teenage boy, who’s mom was trying to tell him it was time to go started doing flips into the pool right in front of me. I’m not sure if it was to get attention or just not thinking of other people around him, or the rules, or to simply ignore his mom’s request.

• An evening when I wasn’t going to the pool but walking by it when a young woman was insisting to her male companion that she wanted to leave. He just flat out told her no and loudly. Leading her back into the pool area by her arm. There were other people in the pool so I just hurried away, not wanting to get involved. I wouldn’t do that now. I would make it known that I was there and ask if everything is OK.

• When I was younger being aggressively “played with” at the pool by boys, often holding my head under water and lunging at me to scare me. Similar to other scenarios, if I saw that now I would say something, loudly and sternly. 

This older man, complaining to everybody in the community triggered a whole landslide of bad experiences at pools that I never processed. 

It wasn’t until I saw his post that I was able to soothe another layer of buried anger and resentment about how males have generally been able to act however they want in any situation while the rest of us let it happen. I’m all kinds of over that.

When I saw the Facebook group admins warning come across my alerts, asking for positive posts and not complaining, it was good to see some amount of checks and balances, helping temper my triggered response.

People also got on board with my passive aggressive post with over the top appreciation and many likes. There was a pang of guilt. That I encouraged others to gang up on this grumpy guy through my exuberantly positivity, passive aggressive cheer for our pool, wasn’t the ultimate in better behavior.

For me, a step in the right direction. I can reflect now on how I would have responded just a few years ago. In a way that would have gotten me kicked out of the group and even more angry at myself.

That’s the old rollercoaster I no longer choose to ride. The magic is that choosing works. I can make that choice more successfully now. Making different choices that better reflect how I more so want to interact with… I should say people, but with myself.

I have a better relationship with myself and that includes my anger. Something delightful and a bit sinister has happened with my efforts; I am also better able to unleash it in healthier ways. We all get angry. I’m not as afraid to say something when something needs to be said. I don’t check myself as much, and I can better express my reactions when I am confronted.

Every time I get angry, whether it’s an injustice in the world or some heated post on social media, I used to end up internalizing that anger. This causes suffering. My life is not for the suffering. Life is too short. The people I love and most care about deserve better too. 

The jig is up and this story adds to it. It’s a privileged and very 1st world example. Nonetheless, the facts are in*; when people lash out in anger and we see it, we can be confident there’s an outdated behavior screaming out to be upgraded

The facts are in*; when people act out in anger and we see it, we can be confident there’s an outdated behavior screaming out to be upgraded. 

Knowing this now brings me a similar joy to floating buoyantly at the pool because I’m doing it and it’s working.

As a coach, I love helping people make this upgrade - from anger to joy in 90 days.

With this expertise, I’m more confident than ever that I most definitely can’t make anybody change that doesn’t want to, so I no longer have to worry about beating my head against a wall trying.

The day after or maybe the day of this incident, I received a book I ordered more as a joke than as a serious dive into personal development.

The Manual: A Philosopher’s Guide to Life, by Epictetus, A Greek philosopher circa 125 ad. A short book of passages to live by. I about fell out over reading passage number 4:

“In preparing for any action, remind yourself of the nature of the action.

For instance, if you are going to a public pool, remind yourself of the usual incidents: people splashing, some pushing, some scolding, thieves stealing unguarded personal belongings.

You will not be disturbed if you got into the experience prepared for such things and determined to retain inner harmony.

If something undesirable happens, you will be able to say, “My desire is not only to swim, but to remain in harmony with the nature of things. I cannot stay in harmony if I let myself become upset by things beyond my control.”

Why had I never seen this wisdom before?

So old and so profound this learning.

I turned into Yoda! 

Not quite.

It was yet another positive reinforcement of the practice to consistently embody my desired state more than trade it in for anger. I wish I could give three easy steps so let’s see if I can:

1. As always with me, take a deep breath in and a full breath out; releasing any tensions or judgments you may be holding. Engage with a positive self state. I like a happy medium. Can you embody a contented emotional state? It doesn’t have to be over the moon but something above complete emotional wasteland.

2. Take another deep breath in, letting the pleasant emotion you’ve invoked ride the breath throughout your entire being. Hold onto that emotion and that breath, for another second or two, turning the volume up a notch on the pleasant sensation rising within you. Release. Breathing out fully any toxic remnants of emotion no longer serving your higher purpose. 

3. This is the desired state that will tread the current when, in an instant, a trigger comes rushing forth with charged, toxic anger**. Take a few breaths as the wave rushes over and past. Breathing deep and broad into your desired state. Breathing out fully any rising tensions.
   

Everything starts and ends with our breathing. From the moment we arrive in this life to the moment we leave. Throwing a couple water comparisons along the way reminds me that I have been practicing floating when I go to the pool. Which may look funny to some people at the pool because I never see anyone else floating. Either that, or I’m perceiving myself catching glimpses because I don’t see anyone else ever doing it. Either way, I’ve learned through trying it that it’s something that both soothes my senses and invigorates them all at the same time. Helping me connect with my own joyful state of being fully present in my life. Now, I just want that for everybody.

Starting a practice of floating at the pool has added buoyancy to my attitude. I wouldn’t have known unless I had tried something, by no means new to me, but definitely too long since learning.

I recommend trying it. There is something fully engaging and joyful about floating freely in the water. The sound instantly quiets.  I fully engage my breath through my entire body as I gently tread water under the blue sky and sun.

I am able to change and through pretty simple and often repeated actions, I can create new habits.

So can you.

Believe me! If I can do it and Epictetus from 2000 years ago can do it, anybody that wants to can. Grumpy pool guy complainer too.

Cheers!

As always if this resonates with you, please leave a comment. If you think someone you know may benefit, please share. If you have questions or want to talk to someone about increasing positive emotions in your life and releasing toxic anger, I encourage you to schedule a free energizing vision session with me. You can also get a video version of this blog on my Youtube channel and a podcast version wherever you podcast.

*Plataforma SINC. "What happens when we get angry?." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 1 June 2010. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/05/100531082603.htm>

**Dr. Caroline Leaf enlightened me to the terms toxic anger and the love zone. Her podcast. Cleaning Up the Mental Mess, episode #54: How to Deal with Anger and Toxic People. November 11, 2018.

Waking Up with Gratitude Boosts Positive Attitude

In all seriousness, I just woke-up! If you had told me I could wake-up smiling 10 years ago, I would have probably slapped you. Maybe more of a disdainful glare over my coffee but it would have felt like a slap.

Ever wake-up angry?

I used to wake-up angry every day.

Embodying all the cliches.

Until I found the cure!!! **

It all really started when I didn’t even want to get out of bed anymore.

Not a good sign.

Which probably developed from one too many days getting up on the wrong side of the bed.

Being a, “don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee” person turned into more of an overall, don’t talk to me, lifestyle.

Until I ended up not liking myself most of the time. Which probably happened after one too many days being shitty to people I love. Really sets a crap-o-rific tone for the day and for a life.

This is where not getting the day off on the right foot can really take an overall turn towards a lifestyle filled with bad days so I went on a search for the easiest ways to make my bad days better.

That this daily practice has worked wonders is the whole reason to share it.

It’s a gratitude practice

Inspired by enough practitioners of personal growth and development that I no longer have specific idea whom to give credit to. This is a common occurrence for me as I go from learning ways to shed anger, resentment, fear, loathing, anxiety, depression to practicing my joy, love, happiness, inspiration, and excitement on a daily basis. ***Actual credit to a few of the people that have recommended this practice or something similar provided at the end of this story.

I will say, for myself, it took re-learning it again, and again over 20 years to put daily gratitude into real practice.

Everyday I get out of bed happier now, open to the day, ready for anything(but positive and ready, instead of an asshole and not so ready).

After I first feel myself come alive for the day, the very first thing I think about is what I’m grateful for.

Taking just a few extra moments in bed to enjoy a few clearing breaths for the day.

Stretching out fully, the sensation of aliveness beginning to course through my body.

I think of other things I’m grateful for as I breath deeply from my belly and exhale the nights sleep fully.

Maybe a sip of water or a big gulp of it if you live in the desert like me.

My bed. My wonderful bed. Thank you for supporting me through sleep. My pillow, cradling my head. Thank you.

The cool darkness of my room or the bright light peeking through the windows.

My utter disbelief that these words are written by me. That I am sharing them now is shocking to say the least.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It started with trying a few things I’m grateful for and now I just let my gratitude flow until I get a message from the day that I want to get out of bed to greet. My favorite is the sparking of a bright idea charging me up and out of bed to get a jumpstart on. Something new I want to bring to my life, job, or family gets me pumped to jump out of bed too.

I often smile and sometimes even shed a tear or two at the things I am grateful for.

Now I get out of bed happier and more prepared to interact with the people I live with, the most important people to me, the ones I love the most, and want to be my best for.

I’m grateful to live with people I love and I have already learned the hard way that being grumpy towards them is not how I want to be.

This simple, relaxing, comforting, invigorating, and loving technique has totally helped change my drag myself out of bed grumpy to feeling better about myself as I enter into a brand new day.

Here’s the simplest of steps to try:

1. The moment you wake-up think of one thing you’re grateful for.

2. Take a deep breath in and a full breath out, grateful for the breath you are taking.

3. Think of another thing you are grateful for.

4. Take another deep belly breath into a big stretch down to your toes, out to your fingertips, to the top of your head, gratefully feeling your body come alive for a brand new day.

5. Think of another thing you're grateful for in the stillness before the day starts.

6. Take another deep breath in and with your next exhale rise with grace to meet the day.

I encourage you to try it for 62 days but maybe start with 1 week. I get the 62 days, most recently, from Caroline Leaf. Her estimate on the time it takes to create a new habit.

Now, after a few months, I’m really quite amazed with the benefits.

Give it a try and please let me and others know how it worked for you.

Cheers!

** I didn’t find the cure, just something that has been working for me with delightful results for a spell. Give it a try. If it works for you too - yay! I’d love to hear back if it does or even if it doesn’t and you tried something else that works for you. Actually, if it didn’t work I want to hear from you more.

*** Authors I’ve read recommending gratitude as a practice; Brené Brown, Julie Cameron, Susan David, Gay Hendricks, and Greg McKeown, Caroline Leaf --- If anyone has additional names to add please share them in the comments. Thank you!